Harry Potter and the Rebel Harry Potter
by Jaulli Bass
Summary: A series of angst against the shoolman themed and affiliated short stories, very sarcastic, very saucy, lots of the Golden Trio amigos. Rated for 'unmainstream' content, you freaks scare me...Review! Opinions welcome.
1. And then they just snapped, Part I

Disclaimer: I do not take credit for any of the 'things' trademarked by J. K. Rowling and Daniel Radcliffe. I would like to point out that this hatred of the House System is purely my idea, put into Harry's head. Much thanks.

Chapter One.

Harry rebels against the House System.

One particularly cold day in February, the weather was making Harry extremely cynical and angst ridden. The nasty weather came upon Harry so fast that he succumbed to cabin fever. In the fever of this sickness, at the highest point of his insanity, Harry had an epiphany. The house system was totally retarded, or as he liked to say 'total bullocks', but totally retarded sounded better in his head. Harry weighed that the House System was really a waste of his time and energy. It wouldn't really help him in the real world and there was no real goal to be achieved from it. It was simply a way for the administration to create false amusations for the students! Harry was very angry with this.

Harry finally got out of bed on this chilly morning. Since he was cold, he put on a black sweater and black jeans. He would say that he was mourning the death of the house system, because to him, it was dead. Perhaps mourning was exactly the right word. Sure he would miss the days of red and gold from head to toe, and he would miss the fierce rivalry between the houses, but in the end, he decided to stick to his guns. He would wallow in a short mourning period and then move on in his life. Perhaps he would make a temporary shrine at the foot of his bed and then ceremonially burn it at the end of the mourning period as a form of cleansing.

"Yes." thought Harry, this is what I shall do.

Harry decided that the first thing he should do was to distance himself from all house-related events. He would make new non-prefect friends and he would resign from the quidditch team. Harry liked quidditch a lot, so he found himself rather conflicted. He settled on a compromise. He would join an out-of-school league. There he could play against other teams from the United Kingdom and possibly western Europe. It would be a great chance to travel. He pondered the possibility of getting a europass.

Also he would miss the company of Ron and Hermione. However, he figured that if they did not accept him for who he was then they weren't very good friends. He could add them to his shrine. Harry made a mental note of adding a photo of each of them to it.

His next step towards the freedom of not being under house rule was to separate himself from any one house. For his, he would need Professor Dumbledore's help. Although Harry considered asking the Headmaster personally, he decided that a letter would be easier on his behalf; Dumbledore would surely persuade him otherwise if he debated this person to person.

Harry penned a quick note:

Professor Dumbledore

Dumbledore's Office

Big Tower

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

England

Dear Professor Dumbledore,

I thank you for the hospitable living arrangements that you have provided for me for the last five and a half years, however I find myself with a change of heart. Could I possibly request for a private room, not in any one house and possibly alternate eating arrangements, not at any one house table. I was also wondering if I could rearrange my schedule so that I share all my classes equally between the houses, as I am sure the teachers would not be very happy about giving me private, non-house oriented, classes.

Sincerely,

Harry Potter

"Yes." thought Harry. This was a rather intelligent letter on his part, as he didn't directly give his motive behind his sudden need for change.

AN/ Um these will be a collection of Harry Potter themed one shots. They will all due with school related issues, because I have a lot of those. They will all follow the "Harry rebels against…" format. They are supposed to be funny, so please laugh at me.


	2. And then they just snapped, Part II

Chapter Two

And then they just snapped, Part II

Ron rebels against the uniform.

Ron was sitting in the large leather chair near the fireplace studying for potions, the night before the big potions exam. The fire was on full throttle and there were lots of other students chatting away in the common room.

Ron flipped to the page about a potion that could dye your hair different colors, very advanced, level 5 said the stamp next to the title on the page. As he was reading about the slight differences for red hair and blue hair, he became very hot. He began sweating and pulled at his tie. Ron was sitting there in full Hogwarts uniform. He undid his tie. Then he took off his robes. He thought this would cool him off. He thought again. He started scratching at his sweater.

Ron sprang up from his chair, causing his textbook to fall to the floor with a loud band. He began scratching and pulling at his clothes. He pulled his sweater over his head. He had a bit of trouble getting it off, but before Colin Creevy could help him take it off, he got it off. He thrust the evil sweater into the little kid.

"Who the hell uses polyester! Do you like polyester? I don't like polyester!" he yelled at Colin.

Ron then stopped, stood up and stopped yelling. He had realized that he was standing in the common room yelling, with his button-up shirt, un-buttoned. He was sweating and his hair was no longer brushed down.

Ron walked quickly out of the now very silent common room with his hand in his pockets. When he got up the first couple steps he began to run, taking two steps at a time. He ran into the bathrooms and turned the shower on cold. He stood in the shower with his shirt, pants and shoes on.

He leaned against the shower wall. He was now cooled off and able to think properly again.

He figured he would have to apologize to Colin. He also figured that he'd have to go back down there soon because he needed his book and the rest of his clothes. Perhaps he could morse code Harry from the shower to bring him his stuff. Then he remembered that he didn't know morse code.

This was all the fault of the uniform. He never got hot flashed in his normal clothing. At that moment, Ron decided to save himself from the humiliation of the inevitable repetition of that fiasco.

He, Ronald Weasly, of Gryffindor House, would no longer wear the uniform!

He could argue that it caused him great discomfort, seeing as it was polyester, making him both itchy and ridiculously hot. Not the good hot, the bad hot, the hot that is the opposite of cold… And if that wasn't good enough, then he would argue that it stifled the individuality of the student population! And if they found that oxymoronical, then he would argue that it was unconstitutional!

If they didn't let Ron not wear the uniform, then he would take the detentions, he would take the howlers. Well he might not take the howlers happily. But he was a soldier! He had to suffer for the benefit of the populace! He would be a hero!

"Oooo" said Ron, he liked that idea. He wanted to be a hero. He would be like a revolutionary! Ron grinned to himself. He would take the howlers for that.

Ok so that's it for this one! Just as a quick note, Ron ended up compromising. They changed the sweaters from polyester to cotton. Yah for Ron! It's the thought that counts!


	3. And then they just snapped, Part III

Chapter Three

And then they just snapped, Part III

Hermione rebels against the girls.

Hermione woke up early that day. Actually Hermione woke up early every day. She just had so much to do. She had to take a shower, straighten her hair, put on her makeup, pick out an outfit, o and she had to brush her teeth too. By early, Hermione meant 5, 30. That's pretty early granted that she lives at school and not two hours away. That's right. In the sixth year, Hermione had finally given into the pressures and made herself beautiful. All the perks were well worth it. She got lots of attention from guys, she got lots of attention from girls too. That was about it. On the down side she was slightly sleep deprived but that was nothing that a little makeup couldn't fix!

Hermione had pinned up her straightened hair after putting in a straightening serum. She was standing infront of the mirror, tweezers in hand. Lavender and Pavarti would soon join her at 6. Hermione leaned forward closer to the mirror so she could pluck her eyebrows again. They were looking pretty thin, but she had to keep them shaped and clean. Pavarti had told her that, "Eyebrows are important they frame your eyes, and you my dear have very pretty eyes."

Hermione grinned. She had everything she had ever wanted. Well except for the dessert from last night… and comfortable pants that weren't so tight they rode up her ass… and she no longer had 'Outstanding' in all her classes… but she had a lot of very pretty boys that she called friends and she now knew that she was an 'Autumn'. Hermione pouted her lips and pondered this for a second. Who wouldn't want to be beautiful?

Lavender pranced into the bathroom. She was very boy short underwear and a tank top.

"Hi Herimione!" she sang.

Hermione watched her prance over to her shelf and grab some lip gloss and then prance into the shopper.

Hermione thought about Lavender and her lip gloss. Why would anyone need to wear lip gloss in the shower? It's not like Lavender was expecting anyone. Then she thought about Lavender's boy cut underwear and tank top from 'Abercrombie & Witch'. Why would anyone need such fashionable pajamas, she meant underwear? It's not like Lavender was expecting anyone.

Hermione thought hard about those boy cut underwear. They had lacy bottoms and the AW insignia all over. On the back it said 'WOW'.

"Wow" thought Hermione. How stupid.

Hermione had now moved on from her eyebrows. She had applied her foundation and powder. She was reaching for the pink eye shadow that she usually wore, but instead grabbed a black eyeliner pencil. Hermione just felt like wearing heavy black eyeliner. She lined her eyes and smudged it a bit. It made her eyes look very big. Hermione just liked it. She walked or strutted, she was still stuck in the strut, over to her dorm room. She looked through her closet of clothes, realizing that all of them were from 'Abercrombie & Witch' and 'British Eagle'. Further more, all of them said so. Hermione finally settled on a pair of tight black jeans and a grey t-shirt with a design in black. It was a little bigger. It was from her old football team, pre-Hogwarts. Hermione took her hair down and looked at herself again in the mirror.

Hermione head-banged her uh head (?) and stuck out her tongue. Hermione let out a rebel yell.

Aw I'm so sad. I like it so much. sniff I'm so proud of Hermione. There's nothing wrong with eating dessert! Ok. So not so funny, but I think it has its moments. Keep on rocking in the free world! Ok… I am so lame. Review! If there is a token rebellious act that I've missed, or you want to read about (whichever) tell me and I just might do something about it! Ooo next one… they will spray paint the walls… graffiti is so B-A-D-ass.


	4. Another Day, Another Action, Part I

Chapter Four

Another Day, Another Act, Part I

Somewhere over the rainbow.

Harry was spending time with his two favorite rebels. They were the original anti-administration rebels. They were none other than Fred and George Weasly. They were sometimes joined by Ginny on their escapades, but that was only because she would do whatever Harry asked.

Well this evening was an evening all the other they spent together. Sprawled in the room of requirement, the three planned their next act of rebellion. Part of the planning process included drinking a disclosed amount of fire whiskey and ceremoniously recounting their respective day's events. Nothing interesting had happened. Fred had detention at 9. It was still early though. It was only 8. One whole hour of potential; they relished the thought.

The room of requirement always had whatever they required; whether they knew they needed it or not. Obviously one of them had thought that spray paint was a requirement to them and their cause. It was happily accepted into their little plot for the evening. So for the pan; the plan consisted of them spray painting an offending message, in pretty colors, on one of the walls in the school. You may think this was a simple endeavor, but it was by no means so.

They were perfectionists, well primarily the twins, and there were two of them, and they were bigger, so therefore they were all perfectionists! The first issue at hand was the message. The twins, being Weaslies and Harry, being a Potter (?), decided that they had a unanimous distaste for all prefects, big and small, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. Maybe it was slight annoyance because they were overlooked for this "prestigious" position, but if it was that, it was only an extremely small annoyance.

They hated the way the prefects had their own set of special rules; special rules for special people. They had their own bathrooms. They had more soap option. They could walk around school at night. The teachers liked them. They had special pins. They were special. They had lots of special rules just for them. They even thought they were special. Now you have to be a special type of person to think that. But its not that they had their own rules, its that they made the rules for the rest of them worse. It's a lot easier to break the rules properly without the prefects. They stifled the canvas on which they could express themselves on.

The horribly offensive statement they would advertise to the larger Hogwarts population of non-prefects was to be "Perfect Prefects can Piss on Pretty Colors". They settled for this cryptic message over others such as "Fuck the Prefects" and "I hope the prefects wash this off". They were very proud that most of the words started with 'P'. They knew there was a word for that in English, but Hogwarts didn't teach English, so they didn't know what it was.

The second problem at hand was the color. The room had provided them with an orgy of colors, but they had to make a decision. They decided that the rooms generosity should be taken full advantage of and they raped the room's store of spray paint as they decided to change the color for each letter, so that it was a rainbow of anti-prefect hate. They sighed when it came to the last and toughest phase of their little plot. Where in Hogwarts would they create such vandalism?

Harry was able to lend his expertise in this situation. He let Fred and George in on a little secret of his called the Marauder's Map. They carefully selected a popular wall along the courtyard. Since it was snowing that night, this wall was in prime area. This wall was inbetween the large common area with a fire and the courtyard which led outside. Students would be going outside and coming outside due to the snow, and this wall was in a high-traffic hallway.

Harry snickered at their genius. The closest teacher's office was Professor Sprout, who they knew as a fact was an early and heavy sleeper. Spending all day potting and pruning plants can really spend someone.

The three set out for social reform and freedom, to change this traditional patronizing pattern which they were stuck in! They reached the wall which they had chosen and sprayed on the words "Perfect Prefects can Piss on Pretty Colors" and stepped back to admire their handiwork. It was indeed quite the masterpiece. Students would be coming up from dinner soon, it was quarter to. They quietly slipped into the Great Hall just in time for dessert and left with the masses. They were very pleased with themselves. Very pleased with themselves indeed.

AN ok so that was that! I will continue the rebellious acts! Power to the people! Enywho… any cliché rebel suggestions are fully welcomed… well any reviews at all would be nice. I'm a nice person. I don't bite. Hard. Well unless you say something dumb, then you're just asking for it. Joking… you can take that sarcastically or not… lol


	5. Another Day, Another Action, Part II

Chapter Five

Another Day, Another Act, Part II

Sometime Class Ends on Time

Ron had developed his drawing skills out of sheer boredom. His notebooks were covered with sketches of his snoozing classmates and cartoons from his imagination. Periodically Ron showed his cartoons to Harry who was particularly fond of his 'Hogwarts Teachers of the Dark Ages, A Current Guide to our Beloved Keepers' series.

Well, Ron was just sitting there in class, innocently enough, drawing Malfoy suffering from a painful and creative death, when a tragedy worse than one that even he could imagine struck, which was saying something because he was sitting in Potions class and usually that was punishment enough. Ron had toyed with the thought that the class did had the potential to be totally psychedelic, but that's another posting! So back to the matter, where tragedy was busy spitting on Ron's peaceful zone-out, everything-free time… Ron was interrupted by Professor Snape.

"How dare he!", Ron was ignited over his disapproval of Professor Snape's manners!

Now to the issue of Professor Snape's unruly manners, seeing as Ron's mind outburst had actually been an afterthought. His actual split-second reaction had been "…?" to Professor Snape's untimely wrenching of Ron's cartoon out of his hands.

Professor Snape had known exactly what he was doing. He had been watching the drawing progress, plotting the way to best punish the Gryffindor for it. He had taken enough of his incessant zoning out and drastic measures needed to be taken, as in those beyond detentions and deducting house point. Snape slickly whisped the paper out from under Ron's nose and held it up to his own nose.

"It seems that your notes on my lecture…. (Haughty twitch of the eyebrows)… are very precise Mr. Weasly. Even Ms. Granger… (Glare)… isn't taking notes," there went Snape, just like himself, always looking over the something (maybe it was because he was taller than most of the class?), such as the fact that he had told them to look at the board and take notes when he was done, "so I think…. (Flutter of eyelashes)…. I should show this …. (Elaborate flair of the paper)… to the class… (Pause)… as an example… (Evil grin)".

Snape waved his wand over the paper and whisper a whoodaa and then with a swish and a jab of his wand it was, need I say magically, projected onto the front wall.

The class burst out into laughter, but not for the reason which Ron had originally intended the cartoon to. That was because it was not quite his cartoon anymore. Before it had depicted a large picture of Draco (shoulders and up) with little bunny rabbits with fangs and elephants with bat wings and two-pronged tongue bouncing/flying around his head along with copious amounts of blood dripping down the page. Sadly for Ron though, the composition in front of the class was… well slightly altered. Sure it was still Malfoy, which made it ugly enough to Ron, but people probably thought he didn't find Malfoy ugly anymore courtesy of Snape. His vicious rabbit had been turned… well normal as had his savage elephants and his blood had turned in to clouds an hearts… definitely not the scene of death, gore and all-around violence that Ron had set out to create.

"Yes…. (Head shake of approval)…. I think everyone should get this down… (Smile to the camera)" announced Snape to the class. (Move to stage left, front.)

"Ok that's so not fair! You changed my vampire bunnies!" proclaimed Ron in protest.

"I'm sorry? ... (Look of sincere distress!)… I didn't quite catch that…. (Hold up hand to ear, much exaggerated)…., oh wait I did, sorry but I couldn't do color, so your bunnies… (Shudder)… cannot be pink." said Snape "Now I want you to all prepare for this potion for next class…. (do-it-or-else look)…, its corresponding page number is 420… (get-it-wrong-and-you're-finished look), and I will collect your notebooks as well… (please-let-me-decorate-it-with-red-pen look)…."

And class was dismissed. Ron had by now snapped out of his zone and finally reached that previously stated self-thought:

"How dare he!", Ron was ignited with his disapproval of Professor Snape's manners!

AN/ So I didn't think Draco should actually get into it although I considered having him add a "Sorry, but I don't do weasels, just not my type.", and then shrug and walk (and by walk I mean strut duh) away. But, I thought I'd keep it simple…simpler. So I'm procrastinating more at school so now I'm writing more… this always happens about a month or so into school, the boredom becomes more than I can handle and I revert back to my old fanfic ways! PEOPLE REVIEW! I'm a good person, I review! You should too, even if for the sake of support, or the sake of simply trashing! READ AND REVIEW!


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